Monday, October 27, 2014

Suddenly she realized she wasn't a lesbian at all. She was just completely disgusted by men. I just farted

My taste in music ranges from you need to listen to this to I know, please do not judge me

Stop whatever you're doing and finish this thing I forgot to do.

A Good Man breaks your headboard, not your heart.

Let me know when you're able to emotionally process me calling you out on your bullshit... I'll be here.

I have unspeakable and devastating news regarding a couple we both know. Delicious.

$1500 Selfie

I'm sorry you mistook my criticism as constructive

Patience.. what parents have when there are witnesses present.

It's not you, it's someone else better than you

Actually, I like being pale. I don't need to look like a worn out leather handbag to feel good about myself

When women wear makeup, they're basically lying to us. I don't see why I'm being blamed for a man stupid enough to think I have Gold Eyelids

Vanity Fair.

Official Uniform of you can't arrest me my dad is a lawyer

This is why I can't take my husband out for dinner

I often walk a fine line between "super fun" Mom and "Kinda-Psychotic-maybe-we-should-call-the-authorities" Mom

If a man claims to have a bunch of crazy exes, ask yourself what the common denominator is

Wine, it isn't good to keep things bottled up

I look forward to the day when the biggest decision I have to make is what cocktail I'm going to sip on while laying on the beach all day

I need something that's more than coffee but less than cocaine

It says it right here. During her period you need to be nice, listen and shut the fuck up

Heading into Target. See you in about a hundred and fifty bucks.

If you ever have stuck your finger in one of these. then you know what pain is

All Women desire a Mr. Darcy. unfortunately, all men have no idea who that is.

Great to see Peyton Manning holding the football! is that a compact in Tom Brady's hands?

A Poem about bugs. if it can fly it should die

Thanks for understanding it was just a formality when I asked if you needed anything

I'm a Unicorn!

I like to think that my cynicism, smart aleck comments, and unprovoked anger make me undeniably desirable to men. That's how Elizabeth snagged Mr. Darcy, afterall

To my big girls, if you've ever felt bad about your body, remember that Sir Mix-a-lot has never released a song called "Baby got hip bones"

I don't want to seem like I think I'm always right, but I am and that's why it comes across that way.

I got 99 problems and my fucking ex caused every single one of them

Saturday, October 25, 2014

You leaving the office for two weeks is all the vacation time I need

Tonight let's do something your memory foam mattress will never forget

Sometimes, all you need is really good cup of coffee and 5 million dollars

This too shall pass.. Painfully, like a kidney stone, but remember it'll pass!

We will continue having lots of meetings until we find out why no work is getting done

I'm sorry you treat me like your bitch and wonder why I am acting like one

I've been overthinking about overthinking again

Know your role. Shut your hole

I was sad, but then I bought something online. I feel better now.

And for Today's lecture we will be discussing running around at 2AM for no reason

I'd be much more into the office holiday party if my coworkers weren't invited

Peter Pan

I don't care if it's 10A.M. you put some champagne in my OJ its mimosa time bitch

True friendship is when you go over to your friend's house and you both just take a nap

Why don't you show me the "benefits" part, then I'll let you know if we can be friends

The first thing I do when I get to work is check my Facebook until I go home

Whoa, whoa... let's try again. take it from "round thing in your face, you get sprung"

Are you free tonight? No, I'm expensive

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